In the last group a miracle happened in the third session of the group. After nine years of fierce fighting, involving lawyers, child protection, network and many others, parents both decided to stop the relational war because it didn't bring them nor the children any good. Father told how sick he was of the fighting, it ruined his life and his body, he cried a lot. He decided not to fight about hours and even days anymore but to fight for a better situation for their son and for them all. Mother couldn't believe this turn immediately but was touched and she said he could be with their son next weekend when his family had a feast. They really struggled to find another tone, another dance.
We were all moved. When I went out for the break, the son (10) of these parents came to me and hugged me shortly.
Why did this miracle happen, what made it possible? We created a context that made it possible, but we didn't create this result.
In the same week we received a letter from a lawyer, asking for all the dossiers of a family with four children that had been in an earlier group. This family, parents and children, joined the group but they didn't change the dance. They are still fighting and we are part of the fight now. Probably mother want to have copy's of all the dossiers, but father will not agree. This makes me sad. I remember the small children, their eyes, their movements. It hurts that we didn't help them enough, that they still are in the middle.
Why didn't this family change their dance? We can make many stories about that, about them, about the therapeutic relation. We can theorize about what happened and why. But we do not know. We never know.
They only thing I can think of is trying to reach mother, call her, invite her to explain why she thinks we failed. What we can learn from her. And see if I can find a way to listen to her in a de- escalating way.
It's the only thing we can: try, fail, try again, fail again, fail better, (Beckett)
Justine van Lawick
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